A Message From the Poor, Obscenely Rich Guy

[Your Humble Scribe has Flu. Please don't expect too much.]

Jamie Dimon, King of JPMorgan Chase, Wall Street, and a large piece of The World, politely chides me in an e-mail today:  "I don't understand why you didn't open my email before. Totally typical of the disrespectful behavior I've come to expect from people like you. People who refuse to understand how important I am. 

So listen up. I'm saying something REALLY IMPORTANT here and you need to pay attention. For your own good.

--Jamie Dimon, CEO, JPMorgan Chase"

So here's what "HE" has to say -

"You people. You just won’t go away.

Once those Occupiers were finally cleared from our neighborhood in New York City in 2012, my fellow CEOs and I thought we’d finally get some peace. We were all about sending some token checks to a few distressed homeowners and then getting back to ruling the universe from atop our mountains of unprecedented wealth.

But no.

Last March when that impudent Senator Warren suggested that my bank should merit CRIMINAL prosecution, my friend Attorney General Eric Holder made the perfectly innocent observation we are simply too big and profitable to prosecute. YOU PEOPLE JUMPED ALL OVER HIM! You joined 333,000 others signing petitions and marching into my US Attorney Offices all over the country demanding “End to Big to Jail!”

Then in May you and your friends at the Home Defenders League and Occupy Our Homes actually surrounded the Department of Justice, demanding that my friends and I go to jail. (I heard 32 of you were arrested. I don’t know why it wasn’t all 500 of you – I guess our justice system really is broken!)

When Occupy Our Homes asked for your help to keep former police officer, cancer survivor and foreclosure fighter Jacqueline Barber in her home, you stood with her signing petitions and flooding my good friends at Wells Fargo and GMAC with phone calls. Another perfectly good foreclosure spoiled.

And, OMG, this Local Principal Reduction thing? All sorts of Mayors and towns using eminent domain to reset mortgages? Not funny. My friends and I make the rules and if we want your opinion we’ll give it to you.

And that doesn’t even include the steady stream of reports, news articles, the “Bank Crime Spree” and“100 Days to Fix What Wall Street Broke” campaigns. Do you think I want to hear the stories of everyone who ACCIDENTLY got screwed over? What’s the expression about breaking a few eggs?

This sort of thing has real consequences, people. I totally had to pay $13 billion, the largest penalty by a corporation to a government ever in the history of the world. Not that I can’t afford it, but I so TOTALLY had other plans for that money.

So, look, whatever else you do to celebrate this holiday season, please DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE give ANY money to Action for the Common Good. Their so-called Campaign for a Fair Settlement has been enough trouble and now they are growing - joining up with low wage workers, immigrant rights groups, and who knows who else through this new Center for Popular Democracy thing. Well, I can tell you one thing for sure. It's not popular with me.

Grinchily yours,

Jamie Dimon, CEO, JPMorganChase


PS. Obviously, this isn’t really from JPMorganChase CEO Jamie Dimon. Instead we had some fun thinking about all the problems that Chase is facing right now, much is which is due directly to your work, and thought it would be funny to share what Mr. Dimon might be thinking with you.

Happy holidays from all of us here at Action for the Common Good. – Brian Kettenring, Andrew Friedman, and Ana Maria Archila, Co-Executive Directors

PPS. If you want to continue to annoy Wall Street CEO’s like Jamie Dimon, you can contribute to Action for the Common Good here: https://acg-fairsettlement.nationbuilder.com/contribute_2013